out of my brain on a train

i hate columbia.

i hate it as an institution, as cold heartless concrete. as nothing but mouths pressed open with greed & lies. i hate that it won't give me money regardless of my flailing financial situation, that it is willing to give up on me and cast me to the dogs even though i've spent two years here engaging with academics and community, two years here exploring its resources like it fucking said in its fucking admissions brochure. i hate that, despite all the time i have spent in america, i am not american and therefore i am not eligible to be helped. that bullshit they engrave onto that bullshit statue about tired, poor and weary foreigners, about melting pots, about diversity & about globalization. THEY SIMPLY EXPLOIT US TO MAKE THEIR CITIZENS MORE COMFORTABLE. that is what america stands for in every single microcosm on its soil. and this is what i mean about loving new york city but not america, about loving columbia but not columbia inc. i feel so cheated and exploited and meaningless and unworthy and inadequate. i feel so unwanted by this fucking school. columbia does not have the right to mourn minghui yu, or commemorate 1968, or go on and on about its large international student population. what do you fucking do in the face of something like this? how can you punch the bully back when curling up and taking blows has gone too far? how can you go far beyond festering in frustration and throwing away a future your parents have fought for just to be sucked back into the system in order to pay back student loans. HOW THE FUCK CAN AN EDUCATION BE THIS EXPENSIVE? can you call it an education? and isn't it so fucking ironic that we who are actually paying for this education can't get jobs & need to place $500 deposits on each amenity we want in this fucking country.

I WANT TO GO HOME!
but to where?