Judgement Day

Missing Moses
Buttermilk streets. I am missing Moses amidst buttermilk streets. Moses - the one who brought me here. Familiar faces are contracting and relaxing, contracting and relaxing at the touch. I am a cardboard cutout to you - and I do not fit into your stencil. I am in the shape in which I am and though you've seen me climb over mountains and cross the red sea on this exodus we've been through, you are putting me into the stencils that fit my shape right here right now - you are placing me among the vagabonds and prostitutes (but even they do not deserve the contract-relax). So I am missing the Moses who brought me here, I am missing the Moses who took me - round, square, or gingerbreadman - and hugged me close to his breast and let me talk and let me be.

But Moses may be cursing my existence within buttermilk streets as he drags tattered feet and circles the promised land. I don't talk to him the way I should.

Living in New York makes me go back to that (rough) poem again and again. I don't like the feeling of having to think about what I say because every word or motion is being used to shove me into a box, to categorize me. Above all, I don't want to be in the box of people that are disregarded. I personally start any situation by believing that people are good and it takes a shitload of shit to change that perception (because I'm always so hopeful). So it hurts me when people use my music taste or something I said to push me into the disregarded-box such that anything I like or dislike is not to be agreed with. It's like this city is a prison and we are all doing time. We are scared to be judged badly, to be taken away to the electric-chair of the disregarded people, the cast-offs, the invisibles. Because being judged badly is really like a death penalty when people don't care about what you have to say. But above all, I do not want to be a puppet. I do not want to forcibly do things to show that I am 'being myself', I do not want to do things to fit in, I don't want to have to think about the kind of music I like, the kind of clothes I wear, the way I speak ... I just want to be natural and truly be myself without anyone using my actions (which, frankly, tell you nothing about me) to push me into a box and label me a dud. That's why so many people here feel like everything they do has to be a statement, a stance. 'I am vegan! I am punk! I am liberal! I am a physics major! I don't drink Starbucks! I would never enter McDonald's!' The things I want to know about you are unspoken. People are afraid to let go and lay back. Honestly. So many people choose who to hang out with and perfectly piece together outfits (rife with skinny jeans, neckerchiefs, and aviators) just to be seen as a beatnik, a scientist, a cool person. I hate feeling that way. I throw on my clothes in the morning, I say hi to everyone, I listen to music because I like it - I wish people wouldn't judge me on actions which I feel that I don't have to think about. But, alas, they do. People are just too cynical, too quick to protect themselves, too quick to categorize because boxing someone makes them feel like they have them 'figured out'. It's so sad. It makes me miss my family who know me because they don't need to define me with my interests and actions and words ... they just know who I am, which means that I can do anything and still have them by my side the way I treat people I've only just met.

If I ever become anything in my life, it will not be someone who lives for other people in any way (there are many. question yourself). I guess this just lets me know what I look for in good people.

(the boy least likely to is perfect for this feeling. really. <3)