CCP Essay Undone

I am chain-blogging (too much of everything...)

A LIST
1. Thank you Red Bull. I have discovered all-nighters again. I join the league of the non-sleepers (Rahel!) - again. My sister said, 'you think that a nocturnal person in Hong Kong would be a normal person in New York.' Nuh-uh. I will never sleep again. Especially not with finals speed-racing towards us.
2. I have decided I am 'Frances' again. Fran is too anonymous and Fran is for casual places, like the mouths of friends etc. I dropped the 'ces' because people kept thinking it was a 'cis', which is aggravating. You'd think my boobs would be a clue... anyway. Small minute difference. Keep calling me Fran
3. Gondry Gondry Gondry Gondry AHH!
4. I really really want a show on WBAR (twitching for next semester to start - especially since I get to take cool, cool classes that DON'T include Frontiers).
5. I'm off medication! I just washed my last pill down with Red Bull. Hello world!
6. CCP essay still unfinished :( :( ... it will get done if I have to stay up 'til noon.
7. I am itching to write, I am itching to go, I am itching to be, I am just itching and restless and wanting and wailing. Something is in me (besides caffeine) and it is telling me to jump (just go ahead and jump...)

Here's the (work in progress) prose-poem that was the inspiration for tobogganeer @ blogspot:

The Tobogganeer's Seconds Before The Crash
And I did want the sun to climb, the rain to fall, and the rainbow to stretch. I did want to taste the fresh snowflakes of winter - all before I finally went to bed. Yet here I am, I am tossing and turning. The sun, the rain, and the rainbow have come to me as an ice-cream sundae with a cherry on top: that burning snow. I am not sleeping because it is so, I am not dreaming because I now see that every dream I dream comes to be. The snow should've stayed in the skies. Now that it's spilled onto these concrete walls, I am huffing and pulling heaven closer. But I don’t want to remove it from dreamland. Too late. I have already crashed into dreamland and run my fingers across its walls. I've breathed its sweet air and kissed its floating bricks. I am now lost in its smoldering ruins. The ruins of dreamland that will someday become landmarks – realized dreams are broken dreams. I am trying not to rebuild for fear of restarting the cycle. Yet I do not press play, so I cannot blank this, this dream will play. I cannot stop the castles from rising above my bloody screams - 'do not do this!' - I can cry blood, cry stone , I can hibernate away from clinking crystal, but I cannot stop those bricks from stacking dreamland back for me to repeat the crash again. The cycle is starting now and I'll dream the dream I have before the crash.

Oh and, I just discovered that ShowMeYours @ blogspot is a website where men show you theirs - ALL of theirs - as they do everyday things like drive. Ew. MY 'Show Me Yours' is a reference to one of my fave quotes: "Don't work for my happiness, my brothers - show me yours."

And Ayn Rand is not a joke or a satanist as people have told me. Her extremist point of view stems from the repression she felt when living in a communist society (which is why she completely refutes any social body and fights for the individual). I don't agree with Objectivism and I'm not against altruism but her ideas on the individual and causing progress by looking into yourself and bringing out something unique without help from others are ideas that I completely agree with. I don't want to help the world by giving money or working for a charity. I want to help the world by showing my happiness: Regina shows her happiness, Jonathan Larson showed his happiness ... I want to touch individuals and not nations. Words for the soul and not for the party.