it takes guts to be gentle and kind

i don't know what i've been thinking these days, but i've been really thinking. and somehow the pieces of my life have been falling in place to include all the gaping uncertainties. i said include and not embrace. i don't know if this is active positivity or simple indifference. there is a small difference when happiness and contentment consist of just not caring & right now i am closer to number two. but it feels more like the touch of a knife that i can feel and not sense. or like the moments in life when i get lazy and slip into cynicism and realism, which devolve into self-pity and inching closer to the edge.

but no dreams about people stealing my doorknob for a very long time now.

and all i can see sloshing in my head is: healthcare. education. save to buy professional-ish camera. work. slave. read. write. carmex, carmex. plan, plan. hurt, hurt. maybe the UN (but not really), maybe france (but not for long), somehow i feel like i'll be staying put.

and i have tendonitis in my right foot.

take the bus with me?
-
as far as i could transcribe it, when godard is good:

j'ai envie de vivre avec toi
tu ne viendra pas au rendez-vous
ce soir
les étoiles filent
madeleine!
mais voici à la ville
madeleine!
imagine que c'est écrit comme "ASTOR LA
CIGARETTE DE L'HOMME MODERNE!"
souviens-toi!
tu sortis de la piscine,
le même disque tournait.
souviens-toi! souviens-toi!
cinq décembre dix-neuf cent soixante-cinq.
les étoiles.
j'ai envie de vivre avec toi,
oui!
brune en bikini
où jouer à un baby foot (?)
ah oui!
regardes:
ici, aviation.
tu mets du rouge à lèvres
sers-toi contre moi
nous avons décollé.
"hallo! ici la tour de contrôle
boeing sept-cent trente-sept appelle caravelle."
PAUL APPELLE MADELEINE!

- jean-pierre léaud, masculin féminin