underneath the covers

i very recently discovered that my life before college was a constant festerous burning underneath my ribcage and it was okay

because i told myself when i go to college i can turn this late hibernating to becoming and finally being. but

coming here presented two obstacles: a) to be and become fucking what?!

but the more recent revelation is b) i can't have what i wanted and i can't have what i had.

in my failed race to outside-living i have forgotten to do the things that kept me sane. i am not outgoing and unabashed (still shy and socially awkward to the point of anxiety!) but i've also lost my sense of wonder, the only thing to keep me sane.

and this feels nothing like the anxious wishing-waiting, that feeling of being alive, no this feels more like a complicated and damp heaviness that manifests itself in tears before sleep and forgotten resolutions to fix myself

and now that it's summer and i'm reading and drinking tea and listening to entire albums and sleeping in and seeing the waterfronts and skyscapes and i feel so great and maybe i can maybe start to think the way i used to about the little things

that and i need to get over the academic notion that every opinion you have needs to be backed by something someone said before you.