it's a sad and beautiful world

i am at the mouth of a gargantuan crisis and trying to stay on solid ground without lying to myself or ignoring my mind or widening any cracks on the wall.

there was a time when i thought so much about being:

The Plaza & Claremont
Every time I walk across it, I feel tiny, I feel small, I feel like I'm expanding - like a balloon. I am absorbing the air around me, I am filled. I love the character - it's brick and stone, it's brick and stone but it's alive and singing the maybes. Maybe today I'll fall in love, maybe today I'll die, maybe today my heart will kick hard and rise from the ashes. Maybes and nots. Strings (tied and loosened) - hello and goodbye. Tears run their marathons at the sound of a voice - vibrations that travel, they pack their bags and run, run to Hong Kong to where the vibrations start with an eight-five-two. Every time I walk across it (and in my dreams she swings her metal stone-cold fire into my room, she watches over me with hollow eyes), I feel small. Like a ten-year-old, like a ten-year-old shopping for aspirations. I think I'll be. I'll be. I'll be. I am - I'll be. Idle and thinking. This is a weird sensation, now that the moment's come. I'll be, I am - water and oil. Running. I am the phosopholipids praying for the soap, praying for something to come and break the tension between I'll be and I am. But right now I am dissatisfied with I am. I am is who I've always been and she has thrown away the golden key, I cannot find it. I am scratching at the surface and looking for someone to stare at the muscles and ligaments and tendons - maybe even the blood the bullet left when his eyes melted - shot - the tough muscle. Muscle is matter, you know. I know it, I do. Muscle is matter but flight is not. Flight is the meaning of life. But right now there are no eyes for the muscle, they only see the skin and the second skin. Maybe the poof, maybe the bulge, maybe the onions - bring me the tears! they were brought. Flight is the meaning of life and I am trying to fly - right now I run and fly to the base of my neck, right now I am trying to fly to the sky. But I need another's help. Melt the matter-muscle, melt it all away! Do it: the rib cage is breaking, aid me in my ascent. I am shouting and raging for you to go ahead - but you only see the cement and the cement says no. Maybe I'll sleep and I'll be. Maybe I'll just sleep. It's been the okay - up until now.

but now i just want to sleep without dreamlike desires eating me out.