aiya

i am thinking about this feeling that i've been having for a while now that i am going to die, that i am slowly killing myself. i feel overwhelmed with life, consumed by loneliness, this stagnant buzzing in my head, this tightness of my eyes. i simultaneously feel like i am killing brain cells, this continual staring at various screens, this ability to not concentrate for more than a few. i feel tired and unable to sleep, dead and heavy and bored and decaying and tense and just too full and aching. and numb, very numb. and i may be exaggerating a feeling, playing it out for too long but i am trying to describe it, to grab hold of it and tie it down and understand it and set it free, get it away from me. but the more i run after it the more i feel like i am falling deeper.

like i am departing.